Yet again I bring you a conversation on Face Book, but this time dealing with a common problem that is Obesity, and the topic of generally being overweight. It's about honesty, and the cruelty of, not necessarily how the world treats people who are over weight, but how they treat themselves.
The literature bellow is my own personal viewpoint on such things, and how it is a part of my life.
Me: Down with the thickness....lol I had a thought today. I am a thick woman. I weigh too near 200 lbs for my taste. Many people say I don't look like 190 and change, but it's true. I suppose the reason I wear my weight the way I do is because in part my lower body is muscled, my hips are wide with pride, and my upper torso has strong shoulders even though my hips and butt put the rest of my body to shame.
This is how I see it. I am an aerodynamic pear shape body type. My shape is the streamlined pear, with perfect balance for both wings in flight. I have excellent padding in the rear compartment for soft landings. As an angel my thickness is perfect for flight. Don't mind the horns, they're to balance the tires on the landing gear.
My good Friend Alex:All Of The Props for throwing out numbers.
Me: Thanks Alex.
Honestly, I have no problem letting out how much I weigh. Yes I do want to lose weight, but for my health, ....and a little vanity (there are some awesome cloths I want to wear but can't look good in with my stomach the way it is.) Mostly though, health. I've never understood the whole adage of "never ask a woman about her weight." One doesn't see this pertain to men. That just doesn't sit well with me. I would rather be honest with people, and with myself. That's the first, and healthiest step to achieving any goal. I don't like a lot of things about myself, but it's me, and it's my body. It just seems like i'm letting myself down if I feel I have to lie, or shirk away from the fact of something I am or have. (Though to add to that, I do feel embarrassed about my weight. I don't like how I look, and haven't for years. I often feel like I have let myself down for not trying harder via exercise, proper eating (actually eating
) and not pushing harder to see a Doctor about my PCOS, but it feels almost like a sin against myself if I don't face it head on that these are my issues. They belong to me, and me alone. It's disheartening to see so many people out there hiding from the world, and in doing so hiding from themselves, as though the judgment of others is what matters. The world can be cruel, that's a real fact, and while there are kind empathetic hearts out there, the ones spurting vitriol are oft the loudest. There's no need, and no logic in such self abusive illogical shame in placing the cruelty of the social world before one's own interests, and ones self as a whole.
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Some small notations on my reply to give a bit of understanding about how I work:
" proper eating (actually eating
)" -------(I don't eat much or often. It used to be I only ate maybe one meal a day. Back when I was technically homeless an average meal was two eggs, for the whole day. That, and my medications giving me nausea problems is part of why I have this terrible habit. I'm a lot better now, but my friends, and love still press me to eat. At the most I can handle two meals, or light snacking through the day, any more I feel ill. It's a work in progress, and a good theory as to why it's hard for me to lose weight via a broke metabolism. )
" not pushing harder to see a Doctor about my PCOS" -----------l While this is true, my reason (not a very good one) for not trying is actually more than one.
-I have tried multiple times over the phone to get an appointment only to be left on hold for forty minutes, hung up on, and then placed on hold again. (Those who have my FB have probably seen my rage rant on that) This has happened on more than one occasion. I get the run around even in person about things like this, it's very daunting.
-My second reason is one close to home. I'm terrified that I may indeed be unable to have children without getting invasive surgery, or simply unable due to how long I have had PCOS untreated due to only recently being diagnosed. *shakes head* I want to cry thinking about it. I've never been the type who dreams about being a Mother, and I can't say the thought doesn't scare me either for personal reasons, but to never even have the chance to choose?
-Lastly, I have never met the new OBGYN. My last female Doctor left me with a feminine infection for two months because she kept cancelling on me for my follow ups. I had to do a walk in....people I don't know looking up my shit and pressing on my stomach (hurts. like. hell. ). *shudders* I don't enjoy PAP smears, and hate the feeling of a stranger's fingers put where they don't belong. (very very personal reasons I won't discuss)
- I WILL get my appointment. I'm going to be a pest to my "Doctor" to get me a damn referral this time. Last time he told me to do it myself. Got to refill meds on Monday so I can't shirk this.
3. :bullet yellow: " I do feel embarrassed about my weight. I don't like how I look, and haven't for years." --------This is a true statement. Very few days I will have pride in my aesthetics, but generally I hate looking in the mirror. I get compliments all the time, and while I do feel appreciative, I don't know what to say. They make me feel uncomfortable. It took me a long time to swallow the kind praise and simply say thank you. More often then not I'll go about my day not really thinking about how I look, or I try not to. I understand that feeling like that can be very self damaging, but emotions don't go well with logic. I think my feelings go deeper in the fact that when I look in the mirror I don't feel disgust, anger, or depression, I feel disappointed with myself. I don't care what others think most of the time, but I do care about the fact that I won't be in my 20's forever. I shouldn't be allowing the time where I should be at my peak slip by. We all die. No second chances. Why did I let myself do this to myself, then again the medical stuff could be added factors.
"The world can be cruel, that's a real fact, and while there are kind empathetic hearts out there, the ones spurting vitriol are oft the loudest. There's no need, and no logic in such self abusive illogical shame in placing the cruelty of the social world before one's own interests, and ones self as a whole." -------- It is true that the negative voices are often the loudest, but what does that mean? It means that one could be given one hundred comments of praise but the single negative comment stays with us the longest. It raises our doubts, and causes us to question what is wrong with ourselves? Why is it that the painful parts last longer than the good ones? Perhaps it could be that those who already struggle with the issues above have a hard time believing the honesty of the positive comments. People often use a canted logic of, "They were probably just being polite." , "it's a known fact that people don't like conflict so they avoid it when they can using false praise, or other methods to keep the other person from acting negatively, thus creating conflict." , "They were only being nice to me out of pity." .....and so on.
So, why the added bullets? Well, I decided to throw them in for only the Deviant Art community. I want to illustrate that even though my beginning post is light hearted, there is a message behind it. It's a very simple post, but in all honesty such topics are not simple. Men and women all struggle with something like this in their lives at least once. Many struggle with it every day, some going too far in the process. We see countless arguments on the internet of "skinny" vs "thick. We see images stating that all body types are different, and all of them are beautiful. We see skinny attacking thick, and thick attacking skinny. There are counter arguments saying that to appreciate a thick woman (I haven't seen much on appreciating the body of a thick man, sad to say. Sexism is found in so many places.) is to condone dangerous and unhealthy style of living.
Here is a break down of the bullets:
-1, and 2 are excuses. A tactic many use to divert from the situation or even run from the blame. It's a common tactic used in many ways, for just about every negative thing we may find in ourselves or others. People who have issues with their self image do this. If you do it, it's okay, you're not alone. It's a buffer tactic, something the mind uses to insulate us until we can fully grab onto the tail of the tiger without letting go. The thing we have to recognize is to never allow it to get in the way of the true goal: happiness. I promised myself, and my love, that I would stop using excuses, no mater how valid they seem, and do what I intended to do, for my health, and for those I love. Vanity be damned. >Never let yourself get in the way of yourself in reaching your goals<
-3 The cold truth. We die. We all will die at some unknown point. I have stated that before I die, I want a damn good story to tell. I don't want to have any regrets. We ALL make mistakes. It's in our nature, but it's also in our nature to have free will. You also can't learn anything fully without making at least one mistake. It's all about using as your personal tool. That's what mistakes are. They're tools for us to use to make us more apt t achieve what we set out to do. If you have issues with your weight, you're not alone. Thousands of people go through these very same issues, or similar.
-4 Logic is a product of the mind, but our emotions reflect our soul. Both can blind us if we let them. I've done it many times, allowing my doubts and anxieties to get the better of me, but that's okay, so long as I don't let myself get in the way of myself. That goes for all of us. Our minds are amazing and miraculous things, capable of so much, but they are OUR minds. No one but us can claim them, so they have no right to judge what we use them for......but be wary not to misuse your mind as well. It's tricky business, and painful. These problems, issues, and heart aches can be so pure, so overtaking, but they belong to you. No one can take that away from you. You can't even give it away either. This gift is just that, and that alone makes you amazing in your own right. Besides, all the compliments, vs the poisonous comments, mathematics, and science dictate that not all can be true, and not all can be false. It doesn't matter. All that matters is how you feel about yourself and what YOU want to do about it.
All in all, while this subject can be a very deep and complex one as seen with these few examples,.....in the end all that matters is your happiness reflected in you, not society, not your friends, not your family, or your dog.....cat....what have you. If you like your body as is, then be free to do so on your own terms. If you want to change the same applies. Be it "too skinny" or "too fat", what others have to say is moot. They don't own you, or have to take responsibility for your life. Their judgments are pretty much farts in the wind compared to the gift you have, and the limitless potential you possess.
All that matters is what makes you happy, and know that you aren't alone.
(Gah at the mush! sorry if I wavered in topic, and sorry for the omg length. <3 )